Should Liverpool be kicked out of the FA Cup?

There is love for Joe Hart and Mark Chapman but a theme of the FA Cup weekend – five days! – was Liverpool and Premier League teams exposing themselves.

It’s the fourth round of the FA Cup weekend. And another chance for football broadcasting to roll out cliched stories about lower-league journeymen and players who have actual jobs. What will Mo Salah make of having to rub shoulders with such people and being made to change in a small dressing room? What do you mean ‘nothing, he’s a well-adjusted adult’?

Time was when the whole round kicked off at 3pm on Saturday but now it’s stretched out from Friday to Tuesday. As a result, it’s inevitably much less of an event and by the time Exeter play Nottingham Forest, it clashes with the Champions League play-offs – though the majority can’t see those, of course.

It all gets underway on Friday with the big one. Okay, the not very big one: Man Utd v Leicester on ITV. The thing is, ITV can’t quite let go of United as A Big Thing and still portray the tie as a big match, even though both are different shades of terrible and each manager is half expecting to be sacked. Roy Keane in particular just compares them to when United were good. But that’s pointless. Surely they should look at them objectively as bottom-third sides, not just saying they’re poor.

Wrighty is wearing a coat that looks like a massive inflated sleeping bag.

Just half an hour build-up with Roy, Wrighty and Pougars behind the pitchside desk. Nice footage from the 1963 final between the teams. I’m not sure why John Denver’s easy listening Take Me Home Country Roads is sung so heartily. Seems inappropriate on every level.

It’s a predictably dreadfully insipid first half with some of the poorest football I’ve seen this season. National League standard. United fans are restless. I’m surprised they’re not tearing the place apart in disgust at being charged so much for such dreck. They concede pathetically. I think they played the worst game I’ve seen in the whole of Europe this season. “Turgid,” says Lee Dixon, rightly. “They’re boring,” says Roy, who looks in physical pain.

Second half is better. There’s an apology for bad language but not for the bad football. Why pick this game to broadcast? It was an easy but predictably poor choice. Well done to Dixon and Sam Matterface for not dressing it up. United won with a clearly offside goal – which didn’t prove the need for VAR, just an assistant with functioning eyes. It was emblematic. Somehow, though they were the winners, but they were still losers. If they’d played a bit better side, they’d have lost by four goals. Truly terrible.

Saturday was BBC‘s turn at Leyton Orient v Manchester City. I almost remember when Orient were top flight for a season in 1962, y’know, and recall when they got to the cup semi-final in 1978, losing 3-0 to Arsenal. They also got to the Anglo-Scottish final in 1976, being beaten by Forest over two legs. Football is life’s bookmarks.

Shay Given does a hands-in-pockets-wandering-around-the-pitch, rather touching interview with Orient’s keeper, a fellow Irishman. Micah has an enormous, comedy professor’s big, thick pair of statement glasses, which look like they need windscreen wipers and he has the usual aversion to adverbs. Glenn Murray is on hand with Alex Scott. I like Glenn and his Cumbrian burr, he brings sensible, friendly, big brother energy.

Pep, in an interview, has the edgy, nervous look of a man let out just for the afternoon. In fact the 15 minute pre-amble sets a good, Saturday lunchtime mood. Orient’s opening goal was extraordinary – “typical of the FA Cup,” says Martin Keown, rather strangely. How?

Interviewing players at half-time feels a bit wrong. Obviously, despicable City won eventually, just in case they wanted to top up the contempt they’re held in, as the ugly go blin that keeps soiling football with their dubious morals and finances, but in every other way, like their neighbours, they lost. However, a 9,000 sold-out lower-league ground on a cold, misty Saturday afternoon is to be cherished, as I’m sure any middle-eastern autocratic dictator looking for soft power, who is using football to pretend not to be abusing basic human rights, would appreciate. A cheerful, laughy, smiley, good vibes, fun broadcast by all concerned.

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Birmingham v Newcastle was the later game with Gary Lineker, Alan Shearer, Curtis Davies and Shay Given again. The BBC had an admirable 15-minute pre-game. But that surely makes three pundits and a presenter redundant. One would have been fine. Aaron Paul, who could promiscuously be seen on Soccer Saturday at Colchester, interviews Jay Stansfield, a top-scoring, big-money transfer. Old film of Shearer in 2007 doing his first punditry shows how time takes its toll on us all. He looks more handsome, thickset and rugged now. Gary looks barely any different.

A Blues goal inside a minute spices things up and it’s an absolutely superb game. Guy Mowbray and Matt Upson are very excited. 2-2 at half-time. Shearer calls the second brilliant Birmingham goal a half volley. It isn’t. Get it right, Geordie. Wonderful murky night. Great programme, made by the football.

Because it was so good, I missed the lead up on ITV to Brighton v Chelsea presented by a fresh-faced Seema Jaswal with a bright, enthusiastic Steve Sidwell and a rare outing for Glen ‘toilet seat’ (look it up if you don’t remember) Johnson, who talks like an AI simulation that’s been educated by pundit cliches. Seb Hutchinson is one of the best commentators ITV uses, co-comm is Adam Virgo whose voice is almost indistinguishable from Gareth Southgate’s. He uses his European football knowledge to good effect.

Cole Palmer scores early; he always looks like an embarrassed, self-conscious kid, whose mam cuts his hair, but a good game goes Brighton’s way. Fabian Hurzeler does look young for a manager. Seeing Seema’s post-game interview is like watching her talking to a student. The days of brandy-breathed, car-coated (do car coats even exist any more?) managers look finally in the past. Excellent FA Cup Saturday.

I struggle to find Blackburn v Wolves on the iPlayer. Am I just useless or does everyone have this problem when a programme isn’t mainstream TV? It begins 10 minutes before kick-off without a presenter or pundit. Not much between them, except an ability to score.

ITV had Plymouth v Liverpool. Karen Carney and Robbie Fowler join Pougers-in-a-cap. They try the ‘anything can happen’ pitch, but no-one is really convinced – ironically, as it turned out. I wish I didn’t feel sorry all the time for Karen, knowing, as I do, some men will take the chance to exercise their beastly nature about her.

Both are fine, as is Pougatch, but what do we want from them? What can they say that satisfies and throws light where there was darkness? When do you ever feel that’s happened on TV? Never.

Once you get beyond talk of quieting the crowd, keeping it tight, taking your chances, high energy, etc, etc, which can be said by any number of people before any game, or an AI bot, what’s left to say? The ex-pro pundit is largely irrelevant and shouldn’t be relied on for insight. Yet better quality opinion does happen, usually by writers or broadcasters who have some relation to the game, who know stuff. Isn’t it time to try one person who knows things we’ve not heard a thousand times before? Better people are out there. Neither Fowler nor Carney said anything not self-evident. Neither utilised their playing career for remarkable or unimaginable insight. I know the idea behind their involvement is they’ve crossed the white line and we haven’t, but although that’s true, what have we gained if that isn’t distilled into usable comment? Is it because running around a field and kicking a ball is basically an unremarkable experience and as such we shouldn’t expect any special insight, or just that most don’t have the communicator chops to articulate it?

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It can and does happen (usually on the radio), but at this stage, producers must be assumed to be actively scared of change and keep setting up what they and everyone else has always set up, until someone breaks rank and does it differently. Then they’ll copy. We are not served well by the status quo, not because I expect an advanced tactical and cultural breakdown (though it would be nice) but because the way it is is boring and dispensable. Is that what is wanted? Is something clever or intelligent just a poncy writer’s dream?

It’s not really the presenter or pundits’ fault. So little is asked of them. So much so, it often feels that you’ve been placed in a developmental education class as you watch the build up. The whole architecture of broadcasting football needs to change. Move on. Think up a different way to do it. The old way is tired and well-worn. If time is tight before the ads, then don’t bother at all. A few minutes of a trawl through the usual half-baked thoughts is worse than none at all. Often, there’s nothing to say. If so, say nothing. Is it the worst idea?

As a test, I conducted a mock interview with my missus, who knows literally nothing about modern football, telling her to be an ex-player pundit. What she came up with was interchangeable with 95% of work over the weekend. “I just said what they always say,” she said afterwards. It’s a major industry and one they rely on to boost ratings without taking any fresh thinking to it and are just resting on their laurels. Because football is full of abuse, they naturally ignore any that comes their way, as we all do. Much is subjective and easily dismissed anyway. Plus there’s no platform to be critical, so they largely get to act outside of detailed scrutiny. (I’m too wee and farty to count) Extraordinary for such an important section of broadcasting.

Liverpool effectively threw the game by putting out a poor second string, presumably with half an eye on other more lucrative fixtures. You want us to try hard? No thanks. We’ll just play these kids and excuse it as players ‘needing minutes’. We’re not cheating, just utilizing resources. They gave Plymouth a chance and Plymouth took it. A lower-tier side always has half a chance against a weakened Premier League team, because their reserves are usually not very good. Kick them out of the FA Cup. It’s what they want, they’ve proven it. Also, have they all paid so much for and to the first team that they can’t afford decent reserves? They’ve not been shown in a good light and the U21s usually can’t compete with lower-league sides in the EFL Trophy, either.

The sound of Randy Rhoads’ riff for Ozzy’s Crazy Train means we’re at Villa Park Aston Villa v Spurs. The BBC packed in three pundits with Chappers for five pre-game minutes. Three! Five! Why?! I hope they get paid by how long they speak for. Jermaine Defoe looks like he’s coloured in his hair with a Sharpie. There’s some nice Joe Harting from Joe Hart. Dion looks straight from the golf club and seems to think being a footballer just involves “running around”. Sounds like the sort of thing that a bloke in the pub says. As does chat about “shouting” and “leadership”. I do like Alan ‘why not, have a shot?’ Shearer on co-comms, he always sounds excited to be there. “Where should he aim for?” asks Guy Mowbray of a Son miss, somewhat pointlessly. “Either side of the keeper,” came the obvious answer. Well, duh! Is that ex-player insight?

Hart speaks with much half-time wisdom. He uses experience as a keeper, working with Ange at Celtic, to interpret the action. I actively want to listen to him. This never happens. Defoe is really good too. Excellent broadcast, in part, I suspect, because Mark Chapman is so good.

The half-time piece in Doncaster v Palace on Monday about Leicester v Wycombe and Roy Essendoh was lovely; can’t believe it’s 24 years ago and a reminder of how football used to look. Nice to hear Tony Gubba’s voice again. Very Proustian. The only Gubba I’ve ever heard of.

With over 20 games being broadcast on Tuesday, it was a strange choice for ITV to get Exeter v Forest, extending the round at least one day too far, just when the wheel had already turned. But then again few people are interested in, or can even see the Champions League. Prime had City v Madrid for the civilians, so ITV would doubtless get good figures, though Leeds at Watford on Sky sounded tempting.

They’ve brought Coisty in on co-comm, with the excellent Seb Hutchinson. Coisty uses the “I really do” coda to his comments a lot and, I think, needs to keep it as a charming social expression and not turn it through repetition into an annoying tick, he really does. A great game goes to penalties and once again proves that beneath the surface, Premier League clubs aren’t especially well endowed.

That was the FA Cup for another round; there were some great games. By Tuesday, the Friday, when it all started, seemed a long time ago – too long – but the broadcasters call the tune and that means five days of games instead of one. Contrary to what you might have heard, longer is not more satisfying.